Dear Bill Simmons,
I love your column. It hits all of my buttons as a sports fan and especially as a fellow Boston native. Recently, I listened to your podcast, The BS Report, for the first time. The “Are You Worried Yet?” segment was particularly hilarious, and I will recommend it to all of my friends. However, what’s with the booming, movie trailer voiceover that ESPN gave you to introduce the show? It sounds like a weird Fox Sports Bionic-God-voice reminiscent of when they had the robot animations during their first few seasons of broadcasting the NHL. It’s like Barry White on steroids.
Bill, it wouldn’t be so bad if the voice were introducing say Jim Rome or, indeed, Barry White, but, Bill, there may be a physical reason why you got your successful start in print. You don’t have a classically deep or resonant voice. I’m not saying it’s squeaky or nasally. It’s normal. It’s the voice of the people, and it would sound perfectly fine if Jason Alexander were introducing you, but next to the booming Bionic-God-voice, it sounds, shall we say, wimpy. Please, do yourself a favor, and ask ESPN to give you a voice-over that’s within the realm of human vocal possibility. I know they use the same voice for all the podcasts, but maybe since you and your column are particularly special, they’ll treat your podcast especially well. It’s worth a shot. You’re vocal masculinity rating would go up at least 30%.